


No More Phones in the Grocery Store

by Marshmellowtea



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: (haha murder it's a pun), Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, F/F, F/M, Gen, Ghostbuster fruitsnacks, Grocery Shopping, I promise, M/M, Multi, POV Outsider, POV Second Person, Phone Conversations, Phone Conversations in Very Public Places, Polyamory, attempted crow murder, but it's all offstage, i wish that was a real thing, implied catching of crows, no onscreen animal cruelty, swearing bc Dave
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-22
Updated: 2015-07-22
Packaged: 2018-04-10 16:11:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4398614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marshmellowtea/pseuds/Marshmellowtea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave has a very loud conversation on the phone in a very public place, to the amusement and mild horror of other shoppers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No More Phones in the Grocery Store

**Author's Note:**

> This was written in response to a writing prompt given to me by my mom, along with a bunch of other cool writing stuff she gave me from her old creative writing class. 
> 
> The prompt was to write one side of a phone conversation.

You didn't mean to eavesdrop on the blond boy with the sunglasses.

 

He just talked. So. Fucking. _Loud._

 

And yeah, maybe you  _did_ somehow get closer to him in the aisle of the grocery store (close enough to hear a muddled voice on the other end of the phone), but it wasn't because you were spying on him. 

 

Because you weren't. 

 

And most of what he said didn't make sense anyway. 

 

For one thing, he started off the conversation with: "Dude, did Jade seriously ask for twenty-four pounds of raw meat to feed that dog beast of hers?" 

 

You and several others turned to stare at him. Someone snorted. 

 

"That's ridiculous. If she wants that much ground, raw flesh she can come get it herself." 

 

That was the point in the conversation when you had started to move closer to him-because you wanted to see the cereals that were in that part of the aisle, of course. You could hear a muffled whining from the person on the other end of the phone. 

 

"I'm serious. Put her on right now, I'll tell her myself."

 

You couldn't read the expression on his face. A few seconds of quiet passed. 

 

"No, you listen to me. You're lucky we let you keep that wolf-dinosaur hybrid in the apartment, and now you want me to use up our precious grocery money and cart space on that slobber-machine? Because no, Jade. It ends right fucking now." 

 

Barely intelligible shouting came from the phone. 

 

"Jade, I swear to-put Rose on the phone. Put her on right now, she'll back me up I just know it." 

 

A pause. 

 

"Rose, you've got to help me out here there's no way in hell I'm buying that much fucking meat." 

 

Whatever Rose said made the man's brow furrow. 

 

"Not you too! I swear Rose-wait, is Harley using the puppy-eyes on you? She knows that's cheating!" 

 

You snorted, and hoped he didn't hear you. 

 

"Lalonde, please, it's bad enough I'm buying Ghostbusters fruit snacks for Egbert, god knows he won't eat normal, reliable Fruit Gushers because they're made by Betty Crocker or whatever, but I also have to buy a decades worth of dead cow for a dog who still barks at me when I kiss our lovely girlfriend?" 

 

...our? 

 

"Oh, haha, very funny Rose. What about the rest of the non-embarrassing groceries, huh? You want those to be crushed too?" 

 

... _our?_

 

 

"Give the phone back to John, maybe I haven't lost him yet." 

 

What did he mean by  _our_? How many people was this Jade girl dating? 

 

"John! You're my only hope! The girls have both teamed up on me!" 

 

Was John also a part of this Jade dating pile? 

 

"Nooo! Not you too!" he dramatically exclaimed, his face remaining completely stoic as he threw a hand to his chest. "I KNOW it's my turn to get the groceries! That's my problem! You guys only need dead meat for the animal when it's MY shopping day!" 

 

You decided it was time to leave this aisle, and leave the man to his business. You'd been there a while, and there were people waiting for you at home. 

 

Then, the man suddenly straightened. His face went pale. " _What_?" he whispered. 

 

You decided that your family could wait a few more minutes. 

 

"She wouldn't. She  _couldn't_..." he continued, as his grip on the cart tightened. 

 

Suddenly, loud cawing and squawking was audible from the phone. 

 

The man shrieked-literally  _shrieked_ -and frantically pushed the cart towards the meats section. 

 

"TELL JADE TO PUT THE CROW DOWN I'M GETTING THE DAMN MEAT PLEASE DON'T HURT THE BIRD JADE-"

 

His shouting grew muffled as he turned out of the cereal aisle. 

 

You decide to come to this store more often. 

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: the crow Jade was holding hostage at the end of this story wasn't even a pet crow or anything, it was just a crow she grabbed out of the air while it was flying past her balcony.


End file.
